Fear of failure
When we started goal setting and getting some success I naively thought other people might copy us as it works. Not that I tried to convince anyone. I learnt a long time ago that even if you prove beyond reasonable doubt that something is a good thing that people will not follow you unless they are entirely convinced.
They cannot be persuaded and if you do persuade them and it goes wrong they will only come back to you and complain.
I wondered why no one I know does any proper goal setting and the only reason I can come up with is fear of failure. If they actually stop talking about things and start a plan that they write down or is visible to others they are putting their reputations on the line.
Fear of failure stops most of us doing most things. We do not want to step outside what we already know as we are comfortable with that and we can fail or succeed on our own terms.
A recently programme on television showed a group of volunteers who claimed they wanted to pay off their mortgages in two years. It seems that 85% the British population claim that their mortgage is the main reason that they are being held back. They feel if they could pay off their mortgages their lives would be better and they could succeed in all areas of their lives.
If we quote things like a mortgage it appears beyond our control. It is easier to think that we will become rich or famous by chance than doing any work. It strikes me as a get out clause. Because most of us have large mortgages we can bemoan the fact they we are losers because overwhelming reasons rather than that we have a chance of working at it by having a reasonable set of goals.
In goal setting you should have small intermediate goals which are achievable. By saying pay off your mortgage to most people that seems totally unachievable so we can justify doing nothing about it. No one would regard us a failure if we never paid off our mortgage the task is too large.
The programme took the volunteers and gave them the skills and help they needed to clear their mortgages in two years.
I only saw one do it. The rest were perfectly able to do it but through a combination of lack of purpose and time wasting they did not make it. They would keep talking through what they were doing rather than do it.
The fear of failure froze them to no action at all. It was though they could not bear to deal with success. It showed up that even with all the help in the world they cannot do it.
Maybe deep down they did not want it enough or they really believed it was not possible so did not try hard enough.
The moral is you have the skills but not the will to succeed
Monday, 12 March 2007
Sunday, 11 March 2007
Your personal survival guide to the 21st century
The Top Ten Time Wasters
1 Perfectionism - trying to get things absolutely right when it is not really that important or necessary
2 Letting work expand because it is enjoyed so much
3 Commuting to and from work at the same time as everyone else. Travel earlier or later to save time
4 Failing to delegate
5 People who consistently waste your time. Weed them out of your life if possible. Politely re-educate those who cannot be ignored.
6 Watching television just because it is "on "
7 Concerning yourself with busy work rather than productive work
9 Worrying. It never improves a situation and often only makes things worse
10 The telephone. A wonderful invention but all too often it is allowed to dominate our lives both at work and at home.
1 Perfectionism - trying to get things absolutely right when it is not really that important or necessary
2 Letting work expand because it is enjoyed so much
3 Commuting to and from work at the same time as everyone else. Travel earlier or later to save time
4 Failing to delegate
5 People who consistently waste your time. Weed them out of your life if possible. Politely re-educate those who cannot be ignored.
6 Watching television just because it is "on "
7 Concerning yourself with busy work rather than productive work
9 Worrying. It never improves a situation and often only makes things worse
10 The telephone. A wonderful invention but all too often it is allowed to dominate our lives both at work and at home.
Perfectionism - Top time waster
Top ten time wasters
One of the main reasons that people give for not completing a task is that they are perfectionists. I have to turn away when people tell me this. It is a form of conceit. They are somehow suggesting that the rest of us are muddlers.
You can only hope to be a perfectionist in one very narrow area of your life. If you are prepared for the rest of your life to go into decline then it is possible.
I have seen programmes in How Clean is Your House? when people have claimed that they are too busy to clean their houses as they have better things to do. Again a form of conceit that such things as acting reasonably and cleaning their houses was beneath them. Unfortunately in life you have to maintain a certain level of cleanliness, presentability etc even if you are a self declared genius.
The real reason is a fear of failure. If they do not actually finish these tasks that they are working on because they are seeking perfection then they cannot be judged. If you look at the work before they have finished you are obliged to suspend judgement because they claim they are still working on it.
A good example of this is when people who are not noted for their abilities in any particular area of endeavour say " Oh well I would have done X or Y" everyone can be a critic.
I am not a perfectionist so what I have done is cut down my areas of endeavour in an attempt to become competent in about three areas and not spread myself too thinly.
I have to remind myself constantly what I am supposed to be doing as I can easily waste time researching, watching films that might be interesting, listening to the radio reading books rather than working, exercising or thinking up new ideas. Also I try not to take on a new scheme before the first one is working properly. I also accept that a proportion of my schemes will fail.
Those who have not failed have not tried hard enough.
I have worked with a few perfectionists they are devastated when they make a mistake which unfortunately we all do. They then retreat to their area of expertise and doing nothing out. I have never met a happy perfectionist. They wear it like a badge of honour The like to suffer from their affliction.
My top ten time waster would be not doing the right things in the right order.
It is the old 80/ 20 Rule If you concentrate on a handful of things you will reap the biggest reward.
The problem with that is the minor matters will keep phoning you to be dealt with. The answer to them is just say No. Pass on the minor matters and you days will be less stressful.
On my desk I have a couple of minor matters which I should get rid of and will bring me very little reward but they are taking up too much time. I attempt to get rid of them and try not to take on similar matters in the future. It can never be 100% foolproof. They have a habit of creeping past your defences.
You have to learn to live with failure and enjoy it. I have !
Since I started writing this I came across an article explaining why we are affected by perfectionism. It is our childhood of course. Obviously most of us have not been able to come to terms with this and we spend our lives recreating what we learnt in our early years.
When we are young we take our self worth from those who we think are our superiors being parents, teachers, friends and relatives. When we are children we have no other sources of information so we become used to trying to comply with what are told by those groups of people.
Until we leave home we are totally caught up in what we are told. It is a shock when we go out in to the world there are pole who not not seem to care about such behaviour or do not seem to comply with the behaviour we have been taught to respect.
We can either go off the rails and ignore outside influences, carry o our lives as though the voices keep telling us what to do or come to terms with our own behaviours. Most of us still carry out for the rest of our lives what we have been brought up to think of as good behaviour, If we fail which we will we suffer from regret that we have never lived up to the expectations of others.
It is a well balanced person who is able to judge themselves solely on their own unbiased criteria There are plenty of people out there who feel free to judge us and let us know that we are not up to much.
Perfectionism is just a fear of failure. They set themselves unreachable goals. It is better therefore not to set any goals so your have not failed
n its pathological form, perfectionism can be very damaging. It can take the form of procrastination when it is used to postpone tasks ("I can't start my project until I know the 'right' way to do it.")
One of the main reasons that people give for not completing a task is that they are perfectionists. I have to turn away when people tell me this. It is a form of conceit. They are somehow suggesting that the rest of us are muddlers.
You can only hope to be a perfectionist in one very narrow area of your life. If you are prepared for the rest of your life to go into decline then it is possible.
I have seen programmes in How Clean is Your House? when people have claimed that they are too busy to clean their houses as they have better things to do. Again a form of conceit that such things as acting reasonably and cleaning their houses was beneath them. Unfortunately in life you have to maintain a certain level of cleanliness, presentability etc even if you are a self declared genius.
The real reason is a fear of failure. If they do not actually finish these tasks that they are working on because they are seeking perfection then they cannot be judged. If you look at the work before they have finished you are obliged to suspend judgement because they claim they are still working on it.
A good example of this is when people who are not noted for their abilities in any particular area of endeavour say " Oh well I would have done X or Y" everyone can be a critic.
I am not a perfectionist so what I have done is cut down my areas of endeavour in an attempt to become competent in about three areas and not spread myself too thinly.
I have to remind myself constantly what I am supposed to be doing as I can easily waste time researching, watching films that might be interesting, listening to the radio reading books rather than working, exercising or thinking up new ideas. Also I try not to take on a new scheme before the first one is working properly. I also accept that a proportion of my schemes will fail.
Those who have not failed have not tried hard enough.
I have worked with a few perfectionists they are devastated when they make a mistake which unfortunately we all do. They then retreat to their area of expertise and doing nothing out. I have never met a happy perfectionist. They wear it like a badge of honour The like to suffer from their affliction.
My top ten time waster would be not doing the right things in the right order.
It is the old 80/ 20 Rule If you concentrate on a handful of things you will reap the biggest reward.
The problem with that is the minor matters will keep phoning you to be dealt with. The answer to them is just say No. Pass on the minor matters and you days will be less stressful.
On my desk I have a couple of minor matters which I should get rid of and will bring me very little reward but they are taking up too much time. I attempt to get rid of them and try not to take on similar matters in the future. It can never be 100% foolproof. They have a habit of creeping past your defences.
You have to learn to live with failure and enjoy it. I have !
Since I started writing this I came across an article explaining why we are affected by perfectionism. It is our childhood of course. Obviously most of us have not been able to come to terms with this and we spend our lives recreating what we learnt in our early years.
When we are young we take our self worth from those who we think are our superiors being parents, teachers, friends and relatives. When we are children we have no other sources of information so we become used to trying to comply with what are told by those groups of people.
Until we leave home we are totally caught up in what we are told. It is a shock when we go out in to the world there are pole who not not seem to care about such behaviour or do not seem to comply with the behaviour we have been taught to respect.
We can either go off the rails and ignore outside influences, carry o our lives as though the voices keep telling us what to do or come to terms with our own behaviours. Most of us still carry out for the rest of our lives what we have been brought up to think of as good behaviour, If we fail which we will we suffer from regret that we have never lived up to the expectations of others.
It is a well balanced person who is able to judge themselves solely on their own unbiased criteria There are plenty of people out there who feel free to judge us and let us know that we are not up to much.
Perfectionism is just a fear of failure. They set themselves unreachable goals. It is better therefore not to set any goals so your have not failed
n its pathological form, perfectionism can be very damaging. It can take the form of procrastination when it is used to postpone tasks ("I can't start my project until I know the 'right' way to do it.")
Wednesday, 7 March 2007
Refocusing - Do it Now
This has to be a daily habit if not an hourly one. We fall into an area of complacency.
Is what I am doing now getting me towards my goals. If not, why not? I am having plenty of success in most areas but weight loss for instance is not working. I am not putting on weight but in about a year I have not lost it either.
I am doing yoga three times a week we have taken up walking again. It is obviously not enough.
My three areas of endeavour are
1 Business
2 Writing
3 Exercising and weight loss
The first two I have under control but the last one is defeating me.I have always claimed I could lose weight if I wanted to do but it is obviuosly a hollow claim.
I will have to cut down on food and increase ecxercise.Today will be doing yoga for an hour and will fit in some more walking whilst looking at what I am eating.
Is what I am doing now getting me towards my goals. If not, why not? I am having plenty of success in most areas but weight loss for instance is not working. I am not putting on weight but in about a year I have not lost it either.
I am doing yoga three times a week we have taken up walking again. It is obviously not enough.
My three areas of endeavour are
1 Business
2 Writing
3 Exercising and weight loss
The first two I have under control but the last one is defeating me.I have always claimed I could lose weight if I wanted to do but it is obviuosly a hollow claim.
I will have to cut down on food and increase ecxercise.Today will be doing yoga for an hour and will fit in some more walking whilst looking at what I am eating.
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